Swept away by your new romance? How to identify red flags in a relationship

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MANILA, Philippines — Every person deserves to be genuinely loved. It is a constant quest to find Mr. or Ms. Right — that one perfect person who loves you and lavishes you with all the affection he (or she) can muster, understands you inside and out, and in whose company you always feel loved, safe, secure, and comfortable.

So when the new person in your life starts behaving like he’s The One, lavishing you with gifts and praises, sending sweet text messages or calling “just because,” and declaring to the world that you are his soulmate even if you have known each other for only a few weeks, you start thinking so, too.

Suddenly, all the “catfishing,” “breadcrumbing,” “benching,” and “pocketing” that you have experienced in the past have been deleted from your memory. Now that you’ve found The One, you must start on a clean slate and give him all the opportunities he needs to shine. Right?

Wrong.

Not so fast, warned Carmina Charmaine G. Bernardo, MD of Makati Medical Center (MakatiMed). While he might be doing all the right moves to make you feel attractive, needed, and special, that too-good-to-be-true Prince or Princess Charming could actually be exhibiting signs of love bombing, a manipulative form of dating to gain the upper hand in a relationship.

“Love bombing involves showering a potential love interest with presents, romantic gestures, flattering words, and undivided attention — acts guaranteed to sweep you off your feet in the heady days of courtship,” said Dr. Bernardo. “The goal of love bombers isn’t love per se, but to have control over you so that you develop an emotional attachment towards them.”

Whether they are aware of it or not, love bombers act out of narcissism, which is most likely stemming from past traumas. But it’s just a façade to what they’re really feeling. “As arrogant or entitled as they appear, love bombers are very insecure,” explained Dr. Bernardo. “They have a fear of being undesired.”

As such, love bombers are people who have no regard for anybody’s feelings but their own, and, as a consequence, they will eventually behave in the most unloving ways. They may suddenly withdraw their affection so you blame yourself, or make you feel guilty when your “me time” doesn’t include them. Love bombers are also into gaslighting, twisting conversations in such a way that you question your own sanity and not their line of thinking. The worst ones will resort to physical abuse, then beg for forgiveness and promise to change, only to repeat the cycle.

So, before you get swept away by this potential wannabe, it is important to ask yourself: Is it love — or love bombing?

How to tell a love bomber from someone who loves sincerely?

Be observant

“Everybody goes all out at the ‘getting to know you’ stage of dating,” said Dr. Bernardo. “But I’d like to believe that you’ll eventually figure out the frogs from the princes. Listen to your gut. Being in a good relationship feels light yet secure, happy, trusting, and respectful.”

Do not give your all

So, while you are trying to figure out whether you’re dating a potential love bomber or the real Mr. or Miss Right, it is important not to lose yourself in any relationship.

“That way, it will be easy to leave a toxic, abusive partner. Before you love someone else, you have to love yourself first and more,” the doctor pointed out. 

Spend time apart

In a fresh romance, couples act as if they’re joined at the hip.

“As in love as you are, remember: You had a life before this relationship. Don’t neglect your family and friends. Be present in lunches and dinners at home, catch up with the gang on weekends, and, please, don’t hog conversations with stories about your new boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m sure everybody’s happy for you, but if that’s all you’re going to talk about, you’ll slowly turn people off,” said Dr. Bernardo.

Pursue your passions

“Points to you for keeping an open mind and trying to make your partner’s hobbies your own. But maintain personal interests, too,” advised Dr. Bernardo. “In a mall, for instance, agree to hang out in your respective domains: He at the sports shops and you in a bookstore. Then meet up for coffee and talk about what you did and discovered.” 

Speak up

There’s a tendency to agree with everything your new partner says. Perhaps you think it’s smart or cute, or you’re afraid to offend him. A loving partner will allow you to express yourself freely.

“If you need time alone, if you want to eat elsewhere, if you think things are going too fast, then stand your ground and speak up in a respectful manner,” said Dr. Bernardo. “Your thoughts and feelings are valid, too, and if your partner values you, he will listen and hopefully yield.”

Have a life

“People like to credit their Significant Other for completing them, when in truth, it’s you who completes you,” underlined Dr. Bernardo. “When you accept and are at peace with yourself, thrive in a fulfilling career, enjoy the support of family and friends, and have personal goals to look forward to, a loving partner is icing on the cake.”

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