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Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
I do not know if anyone has ever been in a situation like mine before. I am pretty sure there have been similar cases, but I have not heard of any among my cohorts and fellow professors.
I am a math teacher to undergraduate students. I have been teaching for over 24 years. This year I had a female student (I, too, am female) who I was, at first, angry at. She was always late and, in fact, did not attend the first few days of class because she had not yet enrolled
I once scolded her in public (in a group chat) and subsequently felt so guilty I apologized, also in public, admitting I had no right to single her out that way.
Soon she opened up about how life was so hard at home, about how she needed to work to fund her studies and in fact lived with her aunt while in Metro Manila. Her real family was in Bicol.
Somehow by confiding in me she opened up something that I had never felt for a student before: a certain ”sympathique,” a desire to walk the talk and not just expound on mathematical theories.
Some weeks later, like a bolt out of the blue, she wrote and said she had a problem, was embarrassed to tell me about it. I, of course, encouraged her to do so.
Bottom line. She needs money. But I do not know what for and how much. This really shocked me. I have never been asked such a thing in my life. I have never known any of my colleagues being asked such a thing before either.
I feel I should help her. I do not want to be one of these teachers who tell their students they are on their side and then when they really need help, the teachers back out.
– Pia
Dear Pia,
Thank you for your email.
Cross-cultural issues involving money can be complex and as a foreigner one comes across new examples, such as this one, every now and again. When to give financial support to people who are not family seems to vary from culture to culture. Indeed, in the UK, apart from instances like collections for birthdays/retirements, workplace loans are I think very unusual.
However, there are other considerations at play here. Firstly there are issues around a teacher’s role; secondly there is a power imbalance.
The role of teacher is primarily to impart knowledge as well as provide guidance and support to their students. This is not an unlimited remit; it should relate to the subject/course that the students are studying. Some teachers interpret their role more broadly and offer support beyond the academic, in effect acting as mentors. This is fine provided they remain within the boundaries laid down institutionally as appropriate for relationships between student and teacher.
Support for students can come in various forms and a plea for money can be met even if there is no exchange of cash. Universities often have emergency funds, scholarships, study/work programs, and student affairs offices to help in these situations and helping a student navigate the options is certainly one way of “walking the walk.”
The power imbalance is a slightly different matter. Were you to acquiesce and lend, the student may later feel resentment at the obligation created, you might feel similarly if the money is not repaid, and you risk accusations of favoritism from other students.
All of this distracts from your main job: teaching.
If, despite the foregoing, you decide to go ahead, make sure the amount involved is something you can afford to write off as a simple gift and protect yourself by reporting it to your department head in the interests of transparency.
All the best,
– JAF Baer
Dear Pia:
Thank you very much for your letter. I feel Mr. Baer has answered all your direct and open questions about what happened, and more than adequately at that.
What I therefore hope to do is touch on some of what I feel are your unasked questions. Why were these questions not asked in the first place?
There are, of course, as many answers as there are people and also as there are interactions of specific students with their specific teachers.
Let us not try and guess your student’s (let’s call her Anna) motives in wanting to borrow money from you. Instead, let us focus on why the student felt it was ok to try and borrow money from you instead of any other teacher? At least any other teacher of the same cohort, experience, training, etc as you.
That is a worthwhile question in my mind, especially if this happens more than once. What signals are you sending so that a student feels it is ok to ask you more than what your remit clearly states? You are her professor, not her banker.
In my opinion, another worthwhile question to ask yourself is: have you changed in any way? Is this a function of aging alone? Or realizing there is more to teaching than following the letter of the law? Or becoming “wiser” and/or now feeling there is more to teaching than feeding facts (or even better, inspiring the students to get their own facts by learning HOW to think?). Have you opened your mind to the realization that to some, teaching is more than the letter of the description, but also its spirit?
I ask you these questions because of certain things you wrote, but specifically: “Somehow by confiding in me she opened up something that I had never felt for a student before: a certain ”sympathique”, a desire to walk the talk and not just expound on mathematical theories”.
Two Pronged does not have ready answers for you, but this column would definitely be willing to discuss this further with you if you want to.
All the very best,
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com.
