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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I was not a perfect mother. My unica hija (one and only daughter and child) had a series of “uncles” once her biological father and I separated. I could not help having so many lovers after that: I was so depressed only a man could save me from committing suicide.
As a consequence, my daughter had this series of men she called “tito.”
Two of them even sexually abused her which I did not know of until they were no longer my lovers. This is a guilt I shall carry for the rest of my life. I do a Sacred Heart novena as often as I can.
My immediate problem is that my 29-year old daughter wants to leave her husband. When I reminded her how much it will affect her three children, she laughed and reminded me she survived all the countless times I left first, her father, and then the countless men I had hoped would be her next father.
Her husband is not perfect – is there any man who is? She says I just don’t know the whole story when I remind her how difficult it is to be a single mother.
Depending on what mood she is, she can be sarcastic and remind me that she knows. She asks me if I knew how much more difficult it was for her, a little girl, when these men abused her and she couldn’t say a word.
I tell her she would be smarter than me. She would not choose a man who would do that to her children. (two are boys anyway!). I also told her that hopefully, she will be more vigilant than I was.
Oftentimes we fight and there is silence for the next month. In the meantime I worry if she will make the drastic move of leaving her husband before I can convince her not to.
How can I avoid fighting with her? Any help is appreciated.
– Rita
Dear Rita,
The solution may lie in recognizing certain realities. Your daughter is 29, a wife, a mother and as she is no longer a child, perhaps you need to rethink your boundaries and your role in her life.
While she may (you hope) look to you for advice occasionally, she will do so through the prism of her own upbringing. You were and continue to be her parenting model — as she so clearly reminded you when she said that she survived your separation both from her father and then the subsequent succession of other men in your life.
Children, especially those who grew up in unhappy families, tend either to mimic parental behavior or to embrace the opposite. Whatever the outcome, if a parent’s example was far from ideal, it is perhaps wise to go easy on giving out advice if you don’t want it simply to result in your own actions being placed under the microscope.
As for the advice you have already given her, I would suggest you rethink some of it.
Firstly, few women knowingly choose men who are likely to abuse their children.
Secondly, suggesting that two of her children would anyway be spared because they are male is simply incorrect. And frankly, if this is the quality of the advice you are asking her to follow, she is wise to ignore it!
In summary, tread lightly, think before you speak, and unless she specifically asks you, allow your adult daughter to make up her own mind.
All the best,
– JAF Baer
Dear Rita,
Thank you very much for your letter. In my opinion, Mr Baer has more than adequately answered your concerns, except maybe for a possible diagnosis for your behavior: Bipolar disorder (BiPD). I would encourage you to try and get a diagnosis because if you do, indeed, have BiPD, not only would it explain a lot of your behaviors in the past, it would also encourage you to understand and thus better manage your present and your future.
And then maybe, just maybe, you can forgive yourself for some of the things you blame yourself so much for-like not stopping the abuse of your daughter by 2 former lovers.
I am not saying be cavalier about what happened to her, or even consider yourself entirely blameless for what happened. However, if you do, indeed, have BiPD, it is possible to look at your “failings as a mother” through a different prism, a prism that does not exonerate you BUT also does not judge you so harshly. When people are hypomanic, especially when the are unaware that they have BiPD so have not even thought of medication, they tend to do things without any thought of how it can affect others.
However, whether you do have BiPD or not, you have to respect that you and your daughter have two separate realities. Both are valid and one is neither worse or better than the other. It becomes a problem only if you conflate that her reality is similar to yours. It becomes a problem only if you believe in the old Filipino adage, “Papunta ka lang pabalik na ako! (Girl, I am way ahead of you. I have already experienced what you are about to, so listen to me!).
As Mr. Baer says and I agree wholeheartedly, it is a question of boundaries. You can respect them far more easily if you acknowledge that your reality is that you did many things after you separated from your daughter’s father that you regret. And I agree with you, perhaps you were not as good a mother as you could have been.
But that was all in the past.
Please do not try to make up for it by trying to help your daughter not repeat your “mistakes.”
Your daughter has her own reality, which is valid and accurate for her life: her mother was inconsistent and seemed inconsiderate (when her mother could just have been unmedicated) while she was growing up. It wasn’t easy, but she more than survived it.
Acknowledge her triumphs and do not disrespect her by presuming her decisions are based on your actions of long ago. Admit that you are not the only influence in her life and that she has agency in her life and in the decisions she makes.
I have a feeling that, once you accept that indeed, despite all the things you have in common (she does, after all, have half your genes), you are two different people; that you have separate realities.
You each have different needs, different desires, and different plans for accomplishing your different goals.
Respect that truth and things will be a lot better. Not perfect, but good enough to have a real relationship with your grown up daughter.
All the best,
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.
