[Two Pronged] Trying to move on from a old ex, but not quite there yet

9 hours ago 1

Upgrade to High-Speed Internet for only ₱1499/month!

Enjoy up to 100 Mbps fiber broadband, perfect for browsing, streaming, and gaming.

Visit Suniway.ph to learn

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dearest Dr Margie and Tito Jeremy,

I have been contemplating on how both your suggestions would make a difference to his stented heart once I read your column online.

Cosmic blessing was such perfect timing! Common friends showered my Messenger with his updated profile picture with his apparently new wife(?) where he added (verbatim): “My LOVE having lunch in a mall resto” and can you imagine, she was … in flipflops!

So I decided not to send my condolence Letter anymore.

From the colors they were wearing- Blatant Red haha! – he is not even mourning

Not mourning, despite it’s being less than 40 days! He didn’t even reach the 90 day Early Babang Luksa! (designated time for public mourning).

The late ex-wifey’s Meta Page changed her cover photo with them together before she passed.

The sadness — irony, vagueness — is culturally confusing, that’s all.

She was not a member of another religion to be mentally-emotionally-spiritually buried/forgotten after a day or two.
He has a 9-stent-heart, which means he can’t be so sad or be too joyful. He can’t have sex if he wants to keep himself alive.
His “MY LOVE” caption, all to the nonchalant look of an outsider like me, is so vague.
Imagine, your second (?) wife just died in February and after 30 days, you already have a new Love ?!!? How would it turn out if that was me who died and I included you in my will?!!?
Is that how Fil-Ams like him respect the dead wife nowadays!?! How did he even arrive in that photo without the usual sad or joyful lengthy post he writes with all major personal, political issues in his Philippine Life?!?

Is he under his daily 30-tablet medication’s emotional-mental-social research? Is he a walking emotional-mental-social health medicine red flag now?

Please enlighten me; maybe some readers who have partners who are clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder or PTSD.

God is so great a Father… I have been protected and redirected to the best path before the pandemic, from the dramatic scenarios with his cheating.

Confirmed na talaga. No condolence letter, complete letting go, as you suggested.

May his late wife rest in eternal Peace. Now I realize how all puzzle pieces fell into place when and after we parted ways.

Thank you, Dr Holmes and Mr Baer.

I love you both!
– Ava

Dear Ava,

It seems you are still far from closure despite the time that has elapsed since this relationship ended decades ago so firstly a few comments on your ‘contemplations’:

grief manifests differently for everyone, and there’s no universal timeline or “correct” way to mourn;
his choices are not your responsibility to understand or judge;
whether he’s managing his conditions appropriately, whether his new relationship is healthy or premature, whether he’s honoring his late wife’s memory — these are his concerns, not yours.

Perhaps you should focus instead on this: you walked away from someone who cheated and whose emotional regulation is now compromised by what you consider to be serious mental health conditions and cardiac limitations. You chose your peace over his chaos.

The puzzle pieces you mention falling into place show that you recognize this. Use it to move on and live your own life, leaving him to live his as he sees fit.

Best regards
– JAF Baer

Dear Ava,

Thank you very much for your letter. I am glad you called Mr Baer “Tito Jeremy” (and presumably, in your heart, me “Tita Margie) as I am hoping that means I can more like a aunt who sometimes is less irritating than a mom when she spouts what she thinks are truisms.

In the first column we wrote about you, we cautioned you about history possibly repeating itself, which you discovered yourself when barely 40 days had passed and he already had a new “love.”

Tito Jeremy wrote that your first letter “seems full of unresolved emotions — grief, compassion, and hurt” which still is here in your current letter.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable, because your love for him was deep and true and such love cannot be turned off like a faucet, even if it was his constant infidelity that finally ended your relationship.

The good news is that, even if all the complicated feelings still exist, you have mellowed somewhat since your first letter.

The most obvious proof is your refraining from giving him the letter of condolence you had planned. Others in similar situations might have still gone ahead, and that is how maturity works anyway, believing a letter from a long ago girlfriend would magically get him to leave his new love who he doesn’t need to court from scratch which he would have to do with someone else.

So… you moved on (didn’t send your letter of condolence) but not completely as is shown by your current letter.

So what, right? You are on the right path. Maturity doesn’t happen in one fell swoop; but little by little, day-to day, sometimes even moment-to-moment. So congratulate yourself for what you have done so far!

Again, others in the same situation may think your accomplishment is no big deal. Perhaps they should read Dr Kristin Neff’s 2021 book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive, to help them…as it might help confirm the path you are taking.

I am hoping that, in the future, you will be more able to laugh at yourself and no longer need to judge ALL Fil-Ams as like him with his lack of respect for his wife’s death and/or ALL people diagnosed as having BiPD or PTSD as cavalier and insincere?

To be sure, he is a cad, but in my opinion, not because he is Fil-Am or even because he has more than one stent in his heart, etcetera, but because, alas, when it comes to his heterosexual relationships, he has not changed an iota (or so it seems!)

Indeed, to believers like us, God is good. I look forward to the day when people who meet you in the future — be they 9-stented, Fil Ams, diagnosed as bipolar (like me!) etc.— will feel that way too, perhaps for no better reason than having interacted with a kind, generous, open-minded person like you!

All the best,
– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Read Entire Article