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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
Before we got married, my husband and I agreed that we would do equal work in the cleaning of the house and washing of the dishes. I had agreed to do all the cooking because he works longer hours and makes more money than me.
I hope you do not see me as overly dramatic, but I hate it when he leaves the dining table after he is finished eating and forgets to do the dishes!
I let it go because I love him and he works pretty hard for us. Of course, I too have a job, but I earn only ¼ what he does.
I’ve called him out for his forgetting several times; he is quick to apologize and promises he will do better. He does, but it never lasts.
I also notice the angrier I get when I remind him, the longer he washes them before he forgets.
My friends say I am being overly dramatic because other than this, he is a perfect husband. He doesn’t fool around and his salary goes to a shared bank account.
I need an objective voice. Please help.
– Maria
Dear Maria,
Thank you for your message.
Sharing household chores is a very recent development since for millennia men have hunted, grown crops, and defended their families while women have tended their homes and brought up their children. It is only relatively recently that traditional roles have begun to change, as a result of ideology (feminism) and practicality (the increase in full time employment of women) and even these changes are far from globally accepted.
Indeed, even where there is acceptance, there is also pushback e.g. the ‘trad wife’ movement. The notion of sharing out household duties is not only against long established custom but presupposes an equality that is not universal.
It generally requires both partners to be employed and also to be unwilling or unable (financially) to employ a helper to carry out these duties for them. These two conditions alone reduce those interested in this type of sharing to a small minority.
Consideration also needs to be given to the cultural background. The Philippines is a socially conservative country, at least on the surface, and traditional gender roles are firmly established. Departure from these is not universally viewed as a positive trend and not all those who share household duties are viewed with approval.
Your arrangements with your husband (let’s call him Jose), while perfectly reasonable, could therefore be seen as a departure from the norm. You might consider whether this is a contributing factor when Jose ‘forgets’ his part of your bargain.
However, the real issue is that you both have a partnership agreement that is malfunctioning. A question worth considering therefore is: does this agreement require just some minor adjustments (for example, a more workable redistribution of the tasks allocated to each of you, perhaps even doing some of them together) or does Jose’s failure to honor his commitment really represent something deeper?
Sharing chores should not be a mathematical calculation but rather a mutually agreed division of tasks backed by a willingness to adhere to the agreement.
Discuss first how to make the system you have established function more smoothly. If this is not successful, you may have to address just how willing Jose is to respect this and any other agreements you have in your marriage.
All the best,
JAF Baer
Dear Maria,
Thank you very much for your letter.
First, let me answer your overriding question: You are definitely NOT overly dramatic when it infuriates you when Joe leaves you to do the dishes on your own. In fact, you are not the only wife who feels this way, (as borne out by research).
In fact, research from the Council of Contemporary Families (CCF) on household chores discovered that women in heterosexual relationships are happier and have longer lasting marriages when husbands share dishwashing duties than they are about sharing any other household task.
When compared to women whose husbands leave the woman to wash dishes on her own, the latter report more relationship conflict and less relationship satisfaction.
Why could this be so? A possible explanation (which I wholeheartedly agree with, I must admit) is because “household chores are NOT just mundane tasks that need to be done; they are a reflection of complex power dynamics, identity formation, and social expectations within a household.”
It is excruciatingly embarrassing to quote this article, because it is nothing but AI generated material, something I exhort my students not to do… or, more specifically, NOT to do without admitting it is AI. AI saves you many hours and a lot of energy: hours and energy which do not merely regurgitate countless articles but gives you the time and enthusiasm to think more deeply, generating original hypotheses and possible methods to test these hypotheses… but that is grist for another column.
From an original study done by scientists to an AI generated summary which could convincingly be presented as a well-considered opinion of a gender studies expert, let us now go to your particular case.
In addition to the above reasons, a particularly frustrating element in your situation is his agreeing that you should jointly (and I presume, equally) do the dishes.
There are methods through which one can accomplish this. Two that immediately come to mind are: One, you have alternate days to wash them, so there is no question of “forgetting,” especially if you remind him before the meal ends.
The other, you do it at the same time, with him washing, you drying or vice versa. By the way, other studies point out that the second method leads to better relationships, including better sex.
Should either of these two methods (or even more creative ones you can think of yourself) do not work, then it is up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
Should you ever reach that point, please write us once more as I am fairly sure Two Pronged will have a lot more to say.
All the very best,
MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.
